


Promises, Promises

by peggyrose19



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, War Era, based off Exile and Evermore by taylor swift, blood mention, death mention, it is set during the war
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 21:08:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30112077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peggyrose19/pseuds/peggyrose19
Summary: In that moment Remus couldn’t help but feel resentful. Towards Dumbledore, towards Voldemort and his Death Eaters, even towards Sirius. And suddenly he couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t stand before this man he loved so much and just pretend everything was okay. He didn’t have it in him anymore.It's 1981 and the wizarding world is divided. Remus and Sirius are determined to hold on to each other for as long as they can. But as fear rises and attacks get worse, it becomes harder and harder. My version of the events leading up to the death of James and Lily Potter and the subsequent arrest of Sirius Black.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Sirius Black
Kudos: 2





	Promises, Promises

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Thanks for clicking on my fic. As mentioned in the tags, this chapter is based of Taylor Swift and Bon Iver's song Exile, which gives me huge Wolfstar vibes. This chapter will not have a happy ending, but next chapter should at least be hopeful. That will be up at some point probably.
> 
> Thank you for reading!! xx

Remus couldn’t recall the exact moment everything changed. In fact, he wasn’t sure there even was one. But he could remember the day he realized, the day everything crumbled around him in shards on the floor. Everything was fine until it wasn’t and by then only he was left to pick up the pieces. 

He woke up alone the morning before the October full moon. 1981. The war had gotten nasty by then. So many people were gone, were terrified to even leave their houses. Nothing was the same anymore. 

That morning when Remus awoke was a cold one. Typical for October, but Remus was always cold. He reached out a hand; the other side of the bed had gone cold too. Shit. Frowning, Remus sat up. Shivering in the cool air, he climbed out of bed, wincing at the ice cold floor. He pulled a jumper on as he headed for the kitchen, following the smell of coffee through the narrow hallway. 

“Sirius?” he called out, entering the dim-light kitchen and looking around. The dark-haired man was nowhere to be seen. “Sirius?” 

A fresh pot of coffee sat on the counter, a mug and a piece of paper beside it. Remus read the note first, stomach sinking. He recognized Sirius’ messy scrawl.  _ Got called out for a quick mission, I’ll be back for dinner. Left the coffee for you. Love you. _

He sighed. “Of course.” 

With a resolute breath, Remus poured himself a mug from the spelled-warm pot and got started on his work for the day.

It was becoming a common occurrence these days, waking to an empty bed or being called away himself. It seemed something was always happening, another disaster, another death. They rarely made it through a whole night undisturbed now. Remus was so tired. He kept hoping and waiting for a moment of peace, a moment of rest, but it never seemed to come. War didn’t sleep.

When Sirius got home that night it was after dinner. 

“Where have you been?” Remus asked when the door had safely been shut behind him and Sirius was shedding off his coat. Exhaustion hung in his face, his body. His grey eyes were dull, lacking the playful light they’d always held at school.

“Mission,” he replied tiredly, crossing to join Remus on the couch. It was a sad, threadbare thing but it was theirs. “You know I can’t say anything, certainly not here.” He plopped down with a sigh, leaning into Remus, and that’s when Remus knew just how tough the day had been for him. 

“You alright, love?” he asked quietly, running a soft hand through his dark locks.

“No,” Sirius answered honestly, voice raw. He buried his face in Remus’ shoulder, the soft wool of his jumper warm and comforting.

Remus sighed and held him closer. They’d done this so many times. Comforting each other, holding each other tight as their world destroyed itself around them. Nothing ever seemed to get better. Nothing seemed to help. 

“D’you want to talk about it?” he asked. As usual, Sirius shook his head. He never wanted to talk about it. Remus was never sure if he couldn’t or if he refused to. “How ‘bout a movie?” he offered instead. 

“Alright.” 

Silently, Remus switched the tv on, turning it to their usual channel, and let it play, volume low. Sirius huddled closer, pulling the blankets over them both, eyes downcast.

“Pads?” Remus asked after a while. Sirius shifted.

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to be here tomorrow night?”

Sirius looked up. “Of course. I would never leave you alone like that.”

“Promise?”

As Sirius looked at him, eyes bright and fierce, Remus felt like he was a kid again, looking up at his best friend as he vowed to never leave. He was back in their dorm room, curtains pulled tight around his bed as Sirius sat beside him and reassured him everything would be okay, promising to be there in the morning.

“I promise,” he vowed, echoing the words of so many years ago. 

It eased his heart, to hear the words again, to know that no matter what else happened, Sirius would always be by his side. That much at least would never change. 

Remus waited impatiently in the forest, knowing what was about to happen. It had been spelled with numerous muggle-repelling charms and protective measures, but they did nothing to ease the churning in his gut. That couldn’t be helped by anything. He was used to that by now.

As the sun fell lower in the sky, the forest darkening around him, Remus felt worse and worse. It was nearly time. So where was Sirius?

“Remus? Remus!” the panicked voice broke through the haze in his mind. The first thing he registered was the warm ground beneath him and a heavy weight above him.

“Sirius?”

“Yeah, I’m here. I’m here.” Remus willed his eyes open, taking in the hazy outline of Sirius leaning over him. Beyond him the sky was pink, trees reaching tall. It was dawn. Sirius sighed in relief. “You alright?”

“Fine,” Remus grunted, forcing himself into a seating position. Sirius followed, tracking his movement carefully. “You weren’t here last night.”

Regret filled Sirius’ gaze. “I know, I’m sorry. I was called out on-”

“Another mission, yeah.”

Bitterness crept into his voice as he pushed himself to his feet, Sirius helping him up. “You promised.”

Sirius sighed, running a rough hand over his face. “I know, I’m sorry. There was… there was nothing I could do. I’m so sorry Moons.”

In that moment Remus couldn’t help but feel resentful. Towards Dumbledore, towards Voldemort and his Death Eaters, even towards Sirius. And suddenly he couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t stand before this man he loved so much and just pretend everything was okay. He didn’t have it in him anymore.

“I’m going home.” 

Without another word, Remus brushed off Sirius’ hand and Apparated, knowing it was stupid and doing it anyways. It was pure stubbornness that got him to the front door of their flat in one piece. His whole body ached, only made worse by the journey, but he didn’t have it in him to care. He just staggered to the bathroom and turned the shower on, stripping off his torn clothes and stepping in before the water even warmed. 

It was ice cold against his skin but he welcomed the bite, sharpening his senses and washing away the drowsiness. The water grew warmer as Remus grabbed a bar of soap and scrubbed at his skin, dirt and blood washing the water dark red. He winced at a particularly bad gash on his arm, but cleaned it out efficiently, well used to the pain. 

As he washed the last bits of soap from his hair, Remus heard the front door close and knew Sirius had come home. He sighed to himself, staying in the shower a moment longer, hating himself for hiding and unwilling to leave. 

“Remus?” Sirius called out, and he knew he’d have to face the music.

“Give me a minute,” he shouted back, and reluctantly turned the water off. Cold air hit him as soon as he pulled the shower curtain back, exhaustion sweeping through his body now that the adrenaline was fading and the warmth was gone. Shivering, he toweled off and pulled on the clean set of clothes he’d grabbed before. The apartment was eerily quiet.

With quiet feet, Remus made his way to the living room, finding Sirius on the couch with a book. He wasn’t reading it, Remus knew instantly, but only pretending to, eyes flitting over the page half-hazardly. 

“Sirius?” he said hesitantly, although he knew the man had heard him come down the hallway.

He turned, looking at Remus searchingly. “We need to talk.”

“Do we?” Remus sighed, but he went and sat down on the couch beside him, fighting the longing and fear battling in his chest. 

“ _ Yes _ . Remus, you walked away from me!” 

“Technically I Apparated,” Remus muttered, and the corners of Sirius’ mouth twitched upward. He fought them down.

“Re-”

“You weren’t there,” Remus interrupted. “You weren’t there. And you promised you would be. I know-” he held up a hand- “it wasn’t your fault. I know that now. But I didn’t last night. Sirius, I had no way of knowing if you were okay or not. I didn’t know if you were still alive or if…” he swallowed hard. “Or if you were dead. I knew nothing. I needed you and you weren’t there and I didn’t know where you were.”

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. When he opened them once more, Remus could see the pain lingering there, the anger simmering just beneath the surface. That anger had once made Remus fall in love with him. These days it was aimed at him as a broken cry for help, helpless words shouted to the walls as if it would bring their innocence back. 

“Sirius,” Remus sighed before he could say anything. He just wanted to sleep. “Can we not? Please? I’m so sick of fighting with you, we do this every time. You get a mission and you leave and you come back worse than before. And I can’t do it anymore. You  _ promised _ me. You said we’d be okay, you said-”

“I know!” Sirius shouted, and the sound startled Remus. “I know I did,” he said, quieter. “And I one hundred percent meant it. I didn’t ask for this, okay? I didn’t ask to be sent on mission, I didn’t ask for this fucking war to happen! Alright? I just…” All the fight seemed to drain out of him. “I  _ love _ you. So much. And I just want to keep you, keep  _ us _ , safe.” 

“I know you do,” Remus said quietly. 

“Look,” Sirius sighed frustratedly. “Can we just get some rest? C’mon, you’ve been up all night, I know how the moons drain you. You need sleep.”

Remus contemplated. He knew it was never good to go to bed angry, but he couldn’t keep doing this. “Okay.”

They got ready for bed silently, dancing around each other the way they normally did, a comfortable ease settling over them. It was nice, to have that reassurance. Even with everything they still knew each other. 

When Remus climbed into bed, Sirius silently threw another blanket over him, smoothing out the wrinkles before crawling in beside him.

“G’night Moons,” Sirius whispered.”

“Night Pads.”

For once they both slept through the night.

The next two weeks passed without incident for the pair. More battles were fought, more lives were lost. Remus and Sirius went about their days, waking early and making coffee together, kissing in the bathroom while they brushed their teeth, disappearing on missions alone and coming back bloody and haunted. 

With each passing day, Sirius slipped further from Remus’ grasp. They fought more and more often, over stupid petty things and big life-changing events that had no good outcomes. And with each passing day Remus wished more and more they could go back to school, to the days of not understanding what war meant or what love was. He wanted that happiness back, the blissfulness and eagerness that came with first crushes and being a teenager. He wondered if he’d ever feel that again. 

The morning of October 31st, Remus woke up alone, cold beneath the blankets. He found a note in the kitchen, saying Sirius had to go out and would be back by nightfall, and a fresh pot of coffee made just the way he liked it. 

He left the coffee. 

There was no work to do that day, no mission to go on or paperwork to fill out or letters to write. There was nothing and no one to fight the silence that crept in. So Remus settled on the couch with a book and stared at the pages for long hours as the clock ticked and the sun rose beyond the walls of his living room. 

It was nearing nighttime when a knock on the door shook Remus from his stupor. With a heavy sigh, he stood and went to answer it. He blinked.

“Professor.” In the doorway stood Albus Dumbledore, dressed in his typical flowing robes and a grim look on his face. 

“Hello Mr. Lupin. I’m so sorry to burst in like this. May I come in.”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, of course, come in.”

“Thank you.” Dumbledore settled at the kitchen table, piercing eyes following Remus as he stood across from him. 

“Why are you here?” Remus asked bluntly. His opinion of his old Headmaster had lessened with each passing month. 

“I'm afraid I have some bad news.” Remus sighed internally. It was never good news these days. “I’m sorry Mr. Lupin. But they’re gone. James and Lily, Peter… and Sirius.”

“What.”

For the first time in his life, Dumbledore seemed uncomfortable. “Mr. Black betrayed us.”

“No.” Remus shook his head. “No, no he wouldn’t.”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Lupin. But he did. He’s being taken to Azkaban now.”

Remus stared at Dumbledore for a long time. For long silent minutes, he just stared, disbelief and anger and pain filling him to the core. Dumbledore’s words hit him to the core, his worst nightmare suddenly brought to life in a cruel twist of fate. He felt his knees buckle, felt himself hit the ground, The pain didn’t register. 

He hadn’t seen this coming. Hadn’t looked hard enough, had been blindsided by his own damn love for a traitor. He couldn’t find the words to demand what happened, couldn’t find them even in his own head. They were all gone. And now he was alone.

He should have seen the signs. 

~

Iron doors clanged shut behind Sirius. He barely heard the sound. It echoed faintly in his ears, quiet over the ringing in his mind. Too loud was the silence, the rough wind from the dementors circling his cell. Too loud were his thoughts, falling deeper and deeper with each passing moment. 

He was alone again. Trapped in the darkness. There was no one left out there, no one to save him here. And there was no saving himself, not this time. 

James, Lily, Harry, all gone. Peter. Remus. 

Voldemort. Regulus. Peter. 

Remus. 

Peter. 

He should have seen the signs. 


End file.
